A promise.

So I got yelled at by my mom, again, because apparently I wasn't showing my dad respect because I just said "yeah..." but in a weird voice because I was tired from track practice. He takes it that I'm saying it in an annoyed voice, so he storms out and slams the door, totally disregarding what he was doing beforehand. My mom starts asking me all these questions..

"When are you going to change?"
"Why are you like this?"
"How come other parents at my work don't deal with this?"

It's because they don't have some kid who has all this BS to go through, their life is totally fine and happy; They're always expecting perfect grades, perfect remarks, perfect personality; They even tell us, "you dont have to get it, but try your best". However, I prove this wrong because despite all the stuff I go through, I still try my best. Because I know how much school is important right now, and because I know how badly grades are, yet they toss it away and start comparing me to other people again. "Why can't you be like -insert cousin here.-?" or, "Why can't you be more like -insert coworker's child here-?" and it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for them.

I hate how everytime I think I'm actually maturing and growing up, it turns out I'm turning more immature and self centered. I always said to myself "I'm going to do work and roll in success!" but now it seems like in the pursuit of that, I totally pushed away what really does mean the most to me, whether I want to admit it or not.

My brother, damn. He's the nicest person I have met in all my life; he would go risk life and limb just to prove to me that he's still there for me, and he's only 8. He's really scared of me actually, thinking I'm intimidating, because I'm always pissed or really moody whenever he comes near me; Its not a matter of I get annoyed by him, but its that everytime he does come by I still feel angry about something else.

"oh, no its okay, i'll save some for my brother"
"Mom, lets buy one for him"
"can we get a few for my brother?"

all things that I hear him say! I don't tell him to do any of it, he does it on his own will, not even having mom or dad tell him too. Even if he's scared, he still has more balls than me, by going into my room, saying "here, this is for you" and leaving; I don't even give him anything else back in return, but screams and shouts and "when you gonna get in shape?"

Dad works hard, from 3am-12noon, here I am, acting like "w/e" around him, just because I'm a little sore. He moved the whole family from overseas just to get married raise a family and be successful; he didn't go thousands of miles to have some teenage kid in his own home practically kicking him out because he "is not feeling well".

Mom too, she does the talking for my dad, saying everything that dad could've and should've told me, but he doesn't; because he's already too upset and ashamed about me.

At family parties, ahaha they only see my parents and brother, not me.

I take my anger out on my family when all I have to blame is myself,
I go through constant struggles mentally and physically pushing the limits of who I am.
Physically, I'm training to become a strong and good athelete,
Mentally, I'm training to become successful and have good grades and transcripts,
Spiritually, I'm training to become humble and have peace of mind.

I have many friends who I need to be thankful for, shoutouts include:

Ashley, for caring; Thank you for being so supportive and knowing exactly what I need, truly you are someone who is a giant help to me and my future growth.

Jessica, for believing: I know you live far, far away from here, and through all that you still continue to show me that you have faith in me, thank you.

Nikki, for understanding: I may be the most annoying person on the planet, I always apologize, but yet you still pull through at the end and decide that you still want me around :]

Julie, for tolerating: You know exactly how I am, and you don't know why you have to deal with it all, but to honest; I need you to know how things are for me, and just know that nothing changes despite what is told to you



The promise is, that I need to show myself that I will become the person I always dreamed of. When I was in 1st grade, I wanted to be someone with a great job and a wonderful family and live everything to its full extent. Everything happens for a reason, and nothing is just coincidence. This was the finaly straw, for all of us. My family, my friends, me. I know whats at stake if I lose out this one final time. This is my final mark! School, my social status, my faith, my loves..

NONE of it will change without me going full blast starting now.
I have to make a promise. To them, to myself, to Him, to her.

1/7/09, 8:57 end time. Time to do work son. Real talk.